Goldilocks no more
by guitarbabe2005
Summary: What was Buffy thinking as she got her hair cut? did she acctually think about Spike at all? why is it that Buffy cant express her feelings? sorry i suck at summary xx


**Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or any of the characters **

**Hey luv's **

**I know I know I have stories that need to be finished but I had this idea for a one shot I hope you like it please read and review**

**Much love**

**Star**

**Xx**

**oOoOoOoOo**

As Buffy walked into the hairdressers the overwhelming scent of bleach, hit her sensitive nose. Looking around she saw five chairs arranged in front of five mirrors three of which were occupied by customers the stylists barely acknowledged her presence. Twirling a lock of her long blonde hair around her finger images came unbidden to her mind's eye.

Images of her and Spike in the midst of passion his long, nimble, talented fingers winding themselves in her hair.

In the after sex, glow Spike running his fingers through her hair murmuring how soft it was, and how much it looked like the sunshine that was taken from him. It was moments like that, which sent pangs through her heart. To begin with, they shared a tentive friendship then one kiss led to another, which led to other things.

Even now, she could feel his hands ghosting over her flesh sending shivers rippling down her spine. She could feel his cool breath against her ear as he whispered over and over "_I love you, love you,"_ tears came to her eyes but she knew what she had to do squaring her shoulders she tried to push away all thoughts about the bleached vampire. More importantly, she tried to push away the pang that passed through her heart when she thought of him... she couldn't... no DIDNT love, Spike... she could... DIDNT

Buffy was snapped out of her thoughts by a voice asking

"Can I help you?" looking up Buffy saw a plump brunette standing behind the counter

"Y-yes" she started grabbing a fist full of her hair she merely said, "I want it gone" though as the words passed her lips her heart sank a little more...

The words that passed the brunettes lips never reached Buffy's ears silently she followed the hairdresser and sat in the chair pulled out for her

"Now how short are we talking sweetie?" came the soft question behind her looking up in the mirror Buffy saw the brunette looking at her the intensity in her eyes rivalled Spikes

"Above my shoulders a inch or so" Buffy whispered dropping her gaze from the eyes reading her soul

With a sigh the brunette placed the gown around Buffy's shoulders and gathered her hair into a lose pony tail a inch below her shoulders

"You sure hun?" she asked sharp scissors poised above the rubber hair band Buffy nodded and closed her eyes she couldn't bare to watch. She felt the tug of the blades as they started their path through the thick locks.

"I'm Jess by the way" came the soft voice again

"Buffy" came her reply, Jess looked into the mirror again the pain that filtered across her face could only mean one thing.

As her silver scissors finished the first leg of their journey Jess placed the thick, long blonde hair onto the cart next to her resting a hand softly on Buffy's shoulder she said softly

"What's his name?" this caused Buffy's head to snap up eyes wide, wild

"w-what?" stuttered Buffy

"You know what hun!" came Jess's voice eyes trained on the slip of a girl in front of her. Picking up her scissors again, Jess started to cut the length an inch and a half above her shoulders. Letting out an internal sigh Jess figured Buffy wasn't ready to talk yet but for the girl's sake and the guy who ever he was she hoped Buffy worked it out soon.

"Spike" Buffy said it so softly Jess nearly missed it

"Pardon?"

"His... his name is Spike well that's his nick name, his real names William," Buffy said stronger

"Ah and he's your boyfriend?"

"No... Just... no" Buffy's shoulders slumped forward. Jess felt the change

'Ok time to change tactics' she thought

"So Hun whats with the drastic change?"

"He loves my hair..." was all Buffy said Jess's eyes went wide but she said nothing this was for Buffy to tell her, as she was ready

"I don't deserve his love... I'm... I'm incapable of love... I've told him I don't love him but he... he still loves me... why" Buffy's entire body shuddered and silent tears cascaded down her face

"We don't chose who we fall in love with Hun its... not brains... not something we can switch on or off depending on our mood," Jess said carefully

"Spike said something similar a long time ago," Buffy said with a smile but that was gone in a second "Oh this will hurt him so much" she whispered, "I was his goldilocks"

Jess looked at Buffy's face

"Hun you say your incapable of love, but Hun... your thinkin' how he's gonna feel bout your new do, when you talk about him your eyes light up, you may not know it but you DO love him it's there, the spark" Jess said softly resting one hand on her shoulder and passing Buffy a tissue with the other

Doing the finishing touches to Buffy's hair Jess finally said

"All done Hun, think bout what we talked bout yeah" said Jess softly as Buffy handed over the money she owed

"You're wrong" Buffy said Jess's head snapped up

"I DONT love him, I don't I LIKE what he does to me... I DONT LOVE HIM" Buffy yelled as she ran out of the salon Jess watched with sad eyes

"You're gonna hurt more than yourself Hun" she said softly her own heart heavy deep down she knew things for Buffy were just about to get worse.

After Buffy was made visible again and she assured Dawn she would not melt into 'pudding' Buffy lay in her bed staring at the shadows as they danced across her bedroom roof. She tried to push aside the conversation she had at the hairdressers earlier today. It was impossible she didn't LOVE spike she... she couldn't... no, she didn't she was sure...

But the little voice in her head whispered

"_You do love Spike you do, you do love Spike you do, you do love Spike you do, you do love Spike you do_" like a mantra in her mind.

Buffy sat up on her bed and ran a hand through her newly short hair she dreaded seeing Spike, seeing the hurt in his eyes. Even though they had been together today while she was invisible, Buffy's body screamed out for his gentle touch to feel him filling her.

Getting off the bed Buffy pulled on some clothes and climbed out her window. Her feet taking her down the familiar path and before too long she stood out the front of Spike's crypt taking a deep breath Buffy gently pushed open the door her heart hammering against her ribs at the thought of just SEEING him again... again Buffy felt the familiar fluttering across her heart.

"Not love," she said softly so that vampire hearing wouldn't pick it up but again the little voice started up its mantra

"_You do love Spike you do_"

"S-spike" Buffy called looking around the top level not seeing the beached one there Buffy walked over to the ladder and dropped silently down to the lower level movement on the bed caught her eye turning her head she saw Spike laying on the bed. Suddenly green locked onto Blue Buffy walked towards the bed their gazes never wavering when she reached him Spike's hand reached out and grazed the ends of her hair.

"It's gone" he whispered the hurt and pain evident in both his eyes and voice

Buffy cringed internally cursing herself for the overly rash decision she regretted the choice as soon as the first cut was made.

"Yeah" came her reply tearing her eyes from his she couldn't bare to see his pain... the pain she caused sitting on the edge of the bed she looked at her hands resting on her lap.

She felt his hand ghost over her hair again and felt him twirl what was left of her hair in his fingers. She could feel the sadness roll of him in waves tinged with slight disappointment.

"I" started Buffy

"Don't" whispered Spike Buffy sighed she could feel the tightness in her chest and tears welling in her eyes pulling her body onto the bed she lay on her side alongside spike

"Can... could you... just... hold me..." Buffy asked softly not able to look Spike in the face she could feel his body stiffen behind her "please" she added in a whisper.

After a few moments Buffy felt Spike's weight nestle behind her his strong arms pulling her body against his. Closing her eyes Buffy fell into the deep slumber she only knew in Spike's arms. Never had she felt so safe, care for or loved as she did when she was with Spike. Waking up a few hours, later Buffy felt a smile creep onto her face and in the upmost peace she felt Buffy couldn't stop the words the tumbled ever so softly from her mouth

"I love you" eyes wide Buffy's body stiffened she waited for any change to indicate Spike was awake. After several moments Buffy relaxed as much as she could. Idly Buffy traced patterns onto Spike's arm around her middle. Thinking about what she had just said. Maybe the hairdresser was right she DID love him... as Spikes arm tightened around her waist a tear ran down her face

He could never know, Spike COULDNT know her true feelings if he did he would leave like all the others.

'No' she though firmly Spike would never know that she loved him' and as the tears ran down her cheeks Buffy fell into a deep sleep dreaming about a place where she could tell Spike exactly how she felt.

oOoOoOoOo

A/N : well love's here it is let me know what you think please much love Star xx


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